(Before the Holidays Do It for Us)
The holidays are coming—our season of warm gatherings, meals, memories, expectations, and the occasional emotional ambush.
To refresh our memories, it goes like this: One relative makes a political comment. Another brings up a counterpoint based on a religious belief. Another resurrects an old injury from 1998 with the confidence of an archaeologist dusting off an artifact.
Remember? I do.
It’s amazing how quickly old dynamics resurface. I mean, I don’t believe for a minute that any of us wakes up on Thanksgiving morning and decides to make waves and stir up old conflicts.
And I will readily own that I have found myself sliding back into an ancient, unbecoming version of myself, compelled to be the all-knowing oracle of wisdom with the answers to questions you did not ask.
This morning’s journal prompt comes from Seneca, reminding me to keep silent when others around me cannot. Perfect timing, I’d say.
When philosophy [and religion, and political views] are wielded with arrogance and stubbornness, it is the cause for the ruin of many. Deploy your philosophy to scrape the mud off your own boots, rather than as a way to rail against the faults of others. Seneca, Moral Letters 103.4b–5a
What Seneca keeps saying is painfully relevant as we journey to gather in the homes of the people we love—and oftentimes butt heads with.
The Holidays Reveal What We Haven’t Yet Smoothed Out
It’s tempting to walk into a gathering armed with our well-sharpened opinions, ready to correct, to enlighten, to “set the record straight.”
We tell ourselves we’re upholding our values.
In my case, sanctimony was merely a defense of my own wounded ego.
Seneca offers us a quieter, yet more challenging, paradoxical methodology.
Use your beliefs to soften yourself, not to harden against others.
Tend to the mud on your own boots before you try to scrape anyone else’s.
A Different Kind of Preparation
As the season approaches, ask yourself:
- What am I bringing into the room besides food or gifts?
- Which of my own traits—defensiveness, impatience, the need to win—will be sitting at the table with me?
- How can I practice my philosophy quietly in the background, not as a sermon but as a steadying presence?
The objective isn’t to convince anyone of anything this year.
The task is to do the deeper work and to show up prepared to be still. And wrong.
To listen more.
To hang on to being enough as you are.
To keep dignity without abandoning my humility.
Our Philosophy Is Most Real When No One Notices It
Seneca isn’t telling us to be passive.
He invites us to be intentional.
To focus on how to be someone who brings peace, and not friction?
Beginning today, consider the holidays as a practice field: A place to test whether your beliefs foster a gentler, more grounded, and less combustible atmosphere—not just when it’s easy, but when old patterns tug at you to endorse acrimony.
Today’s food for thought as we gather, laugh, remember, and navigate the uniquely human messiness of family.
Leave a Reply